In the shadowy world of co-parenting with a narcissist, the battlefield is not fought with words or actions alone—it is often fought through the mind of your child. Narcissists, masters of control and manipulation, have no empathy for the harm they cause. Their need to “win” takes precedence over the emotional well-being of their own child.

For the empathetic parent, this is a nightmare scenario. Watching your child become a pawn in a narcissist’s game is heartbreaking. But hope is not lost. By understanding their tactics and taking proactive measures, you can shield your child and expose the narcissist’s true nature.

Narcissists are not always obvious in their manipulations. Instead, they plant seeds of doubt, fear, and loyalty conflict in the mind of the child. Your child, who once eagerly packed their bag to see you, now seems hesitant, upset, or even fearful. This isn’t a natural change of heart; it’s often the result of the narcissist planting ideas like, “You’ll miss me too much if you leave,” or worse, “You’re not safe there.” Ever notice your child using phrases or words that seem out of character or oddly mature? This is a red flag. Narcissists often coach children on what to say, ensuring their narrative paints them as the loving, protective parent and you as the villain.

When you suggest therapy for the child, narcissists often counter with, “I don’t trust your motives,” or, “The therapist will just take your side.” Ironically, this is their way of hiding their own fear of being exposed by a professional who can easily recognize manipulation. Pay close attention to your child’s demeanor during video calls with the narcissist. Does your child suddenly withdraw or look for approval before speaking? Narcissists use these moments to subtly remind the child of their control, ensuring their loyalty even from afar. When addressing concerns about your child in a co-parenting app, you might find the narcissist deflecting or ignoring requests entirely. This avoidance serves two purposes: maintaining control by refusing to engage and attempting to frustrate you into reacting emotionally.

Let’s be clear: the narcissist isn’t just trying to hurt you. They are actively harming your child. A child caught in the crossfire of manipulation and alienation suffers in ways the narcissist is incapable of understanding. The child is torn between two parents, feeling guilty for loving one while being pressured to side with the other. The child may internalize the conflict, believing they are the cause of the tension. Constant loyalty tests, emotional manipulation, and the fear of “choosing wrong” take a toll on the child’s mental health. What’s worse is that the narcissist cannot comprehend—or care about—this harm. Their lack of empathy blinds them to the pain they are causing, and their need for control overshadows any genuine concern for the child.

Narcissists often operate under a grand illusion: the belief that they are inherently smarter, more capable, and more resourceful than everyone else around them. This inflated sense of superiority blinds them to reality, even when those they underestimate have repeatedly proven themselves to be competent, resilient, or insightful. A narcissist’s need to see others as “less than” serves a psychological purpose. It reinforces their fragile ego by placing them on a pedestal. If they acknowledged someone else’s strengths or successes, it would threaten the false narrative they’ve built about their own superiority. This is why narcissists often dismiss evidence of others’ abilities or accomplishments—they need to believe that no one else could ever be a threat to their control or dominance.

This chronic underestimation of others is one of the narcissist’s greatest weaknesses. They fail to prepare for situations where they might be outmatched because they cannot conceive of a reality in which someone else outsmarts them. This is especially true in co-parenting dynamics, where their focus on domination blinds them to the fact that professionals—psychologists, judges, mediators—are trained to see through manipulation and lies. Narcissists also underestimate the power of resilience. They assume that their tactics will break you, not realizing that adversity often strengthens the resolve of the other parent. By staying calm, focused, and consistently putting the child’s needs first, you build a case that highlights the narcissist’s true nature.

This arrogance often backfires spectacularly. They walk into situations assuming they have already “won,” only to find that their behavior has been laid bare for all to see. Judges and professionals are not swayed by charm or manipulation—they deal in facts and patterns, which narcissists leave in abundance. Their lack of self-awareness and overconfidence make them blind to their own undoing. In the end, narcissists “lose” not because of external forces, but because their inability to see beyond their own self-interest and superiority complex leads them to self-sabotage.

For the empathetic parent, this should serve as a reminder to remain steadfast. Narcissists thrive on control, but they cannot control the truth. Your unwavering focus on your child’s well-being and your ability to document, seek professional support, and demonstrate love will always outweigh their games. While the journey may be painful, take comfort in knowing that their own arrogance is often their downfall.

If you’re navigating the challenges of co-parenting with a narcissist and need support, don’t hesitate to reach out. You can send an email to joe@narced.org, and I’ll do my best to help. Additionally, there is a WhatsApp link on the website that allows you to contact me directly. You don’t have to face this alone—help is just a message away.

This is not an easy journey, but you are not alone. The fight is worth it—because your child is worth it.