Narcissists are like toddlers in grown-up bodies—except with a better vocabulary and an insatiable appetite for control. If they had action figures, their accessory kits would include a crown, a megaphone, and a leash. Their goal? To feel like royalty, broadcast their superiority, and keep everyone else firmly within their grasp. But what drives this exhausting need for control, and how can you spot the lengths they’ll go to achieve it? 

Narcissistic control is rooted in insecurity. Somewhere along the way, the narcissist developed a deep fear of losing relevance or power. Maybe their childhood was riddled with unmet needs, or perhaps they were placed on such a high pedestal that the fall from it seemed unthinkable. Either way, their survival mechanism became control: the need to manipulate their environment and the people in it to validate their worth.

Control, for a narcissist, isn’t just about maintaining order—it’s about self-preservation. They genuinely believe that without the reins firmly in their hands, their world will crumble. Unfortunately, this means everyone around them is drafted into their private war for dominance.

One of the most common arenas where narcissists flex their need for control is co-parenting. Here, their tactics range from frustrating to outright maddening. They might insist on rigid parenting schedules, only to change them at the last minute. They use the child as a go-between, ensuring they remain the center of attention even when not physically present. And then there’s the constant competition—a narcissist doesn’t just want to co-parent; they want to win at parenting. This often involves portraying themselves as the fun parent, while subtly undermining the other.

Money is another tool in the narcissist’s kit. For them, finances are less about practicality and more about power. They might demand control of shared finances, create financial dependencies, or even use money as a weapon—spending recklessly to showcase their superiority while keeping others in a state of anxiety. It’s not uncommon to find yourself wondering why you’re the one paying bills while they’re flaunting new purchases on social media.

Emotionally, narcissists are the maestros of manipulation. Gaslighting is their symphony, playing out as, “That never happened” or “You’re overreacting.” Triangulation is their backup band, where they involve third parties to validate their point of view or isolate you further. And then there’s the classic push-pull of love-bombing followed by withdrawal, leaving you perpetually off-balance. It’s a dizzying experience, like trying to dance with someone who keeps changing the music.

Adding to this chaos is the narcissist’s inability to see their own behaviors for what they are. Self-awareness is a foreign concept to them. Instead of reflecting on their actions, they project their flaws onto others. If they’re being manipulative, they’ll accuse you of manipulation. If they’re being unreasonable, you’ll hear how impossible you are to deal with. It’s like a twisted game of hot potato—except the narcissist always throws the blame your way and never takes responsibility for their part in the mess. This lack of introspection ensures they stay locked in their own patterns, perpetually spinning the same web of control and denial.

Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward breaking free. Narcissists are predictable in their unpredictability, and once you identify their playbook, their power diminishes. They thrive on chaos and ambiguity, so clarity becomes your best defense. Document their behavior—not to win arguments but to see the bigger picture. Patterns emerge over time, and those patterns tell a story. It’s a story of someone desperately clinging to control and you choosing not to play along.

But how do you show others what’s happening? Narcissists are skilled at playing the victim or the hero, depending on what suits their narrative. When addressing their behavior with others, stick to facts. Avoid emotional outbursts, as these can be used against you. Instead, calmly and methodically present evidence. Over time, people begin to see through the act, especially when the narcissist’s actions don’t match their words.

Humor is an underrated tool in dealing with narcissists. Their antics can be so absurdly childish that they border on comedic. The next time they’re throwing a metaphorical tantrum because they didn’t get their way, imagine them wearing a plastic crown and stomping their feet. It’s hard to take them seriously after that, isn’t it? Laughter may not solve the problem, but it sure takes away some of its sting.

Ultimately, understanding why narcissists need control is empowering. It’s not about you; it’s about their unquenchable thirst for validation. They’ll go to extreme lengths—manipulating, scheming, and gaslighting—to maintain the upper hand. But by recognizing their behavior, documenting their patterns, and using humor to lighten the emotional load, you can free yourself from their grasp. And in doing so, you’ll show others that the crown they wear is nothing more than cheap plastic.